Along with the question: “How Do I Spice Up My Sex Life” (and here’s some info on what to do about that) and “Am I Normal?” (spoiler: you most likely are) one of the questions I get the most particularly from (cisgender) men is, “How do I give women sexual pleasure?”
Of course the truth is that all women are complex and nuanced individuals with their own anatomies and histories. And what any woman (or man, or trans individual for that matter) likes sexually is dependent upon those things as well as their age, trust/stress/exhaustion levels, their mood, any medications they are taking, etc, etc, ETC.
But there are definitely some tips and techniques that I wish someone had told my early lovers before I was willing and able to. So if you’re wondering what those are, here’s a guide for pleasuring straight women (for straight guys):
1. First, make sure she is into you. Not sorta kinda into you. Not “if I keep pressing, she will eventually just relent” into you. INTO YOU.
How do you know if she is into you? Here are some clues. She tells you. She keeps touching you. She keeps leaning in to get closer. When you go in for that first kiss, she responds openly and enthusiastically. If, however, you detect even the remotest sense of a recoil or flinch when you touch or get close to her, here’s what you do: Go home and love yourself. This woman is just not that into you.
But if you have received the sense that she is kissing you back and is moving towards your other touches (or even better, is directing your hands towards the places she likes) then you may proceed with awareness, restraint and caution.
2. Approach the entire experience with a sense of playful and yet, deeply attuned curiosity. Touching should be done with a sense of desire mixed with reverence. In other words, make sure you appreciate that damned body you are being allowed to have access to!! IMPORTANT NOTE: Most women have some insecurities about their bodies. So wherever possible, create nice lighting. Candlelight is always a good thing. But above all – compliment her!! Most women appreciate if you show your desire with words like, “Holy shit you are so hot” or “Fuck you’re beautiful”. This is not the same as saying, “Holy shit I want to fuck your brains out.” I hope you can see the difference.
As you progress, here are some other cues to look for: sensual moans, sighs, ahhs, ooohs, mmmms. IMPORTANT NOTE: contrary to popular belief: a wet vulva is not necessarily a sign that she is ready for sex nor even that she is even into you. It is simply a woman’s body saying, “there is sexual stuff happening right now.” So know that – and pass it on.
3. If you’re having trouble reading her body language – just ask, ask and ask again. Now, that doesn’t mean pummeling the poor girl with, “Do you like that?” “How about that?” “And that, is that good?” Establish off the top some playful rules. At this point, don’t ask, rather tell her: When I touch you in a way you like – I want you to give me a sign. (let her choose the sign) Then you can say, “If you don’t give me that sign – I will stop.” This way instead of coming off as an insecure and super needy dude (which is a turnoff for most women) you instead come of as someone in control of the situation while also being incredibly respectful of her boundaries (which, of course, I know you are).
4. Once you’ve gotten all of that out of the way, start with super soft yet firm touches. Too light and she will feel like she is being tickled (again, a turn on for some, a turn off for others) – too firm and it will feel like she is having a deep tissue massage. Then start playing with varying up your touches – light feathery touches, tiny pinches, firm caresses – all the while paying close attention to her cues.
Avoid genitals FOR A LONG TIME. Like a long, long time. Tease, move forward, retreat and repeat.
Once you have done that for a long time, with lots of signs that you are on the right track, you may proceed to the genitals.
Now for some reason (I’m looking at you bad sex ed and mainstream porn), lots of guys treat the female genitals like a hole that they have lost something inside of. Then they try to jam as many fingers as they can in there, seemingly to uncover some missing keys.
Hey guy: Don’t. DO. That.
IMPORTANT NOTE: The equivalent to a penis IS NOT THE VAGINA. It is the vulva. Get that through your head from now on. The reason this is important to get through your head is because the most sensitive parts of a woman’s parts are not buried deep inside of her like a sunken treasure. Like your penis, the vulva has all kinds of sensitive areas that you can see. In fact, your penis actually started out as a clitoris (that has changed and evolved with hormones and time). So whether you are using your mouth or your fingers to explore, please involve the labia, the first few inches of the vagina and of course, THE CLITORIS.
Again, all women like different things but a great rule of thumb is to tease the outside area with varying touches and then gently massage the clitoris. You can do some light tapping, and some gentle stimulation with fingers and see what she likes. If you’re a real hero, you can also ask her if there is a toy she likes to play with that she would let you use.
You may also see if she has interest in you touching her in that area with your mouth. If you are unsure of where to start with oral sex, think of it simply as an extension of kissing – focus on varying pressure and use tongue delicately, remembering that the clitoris is queen. But again, everyone likes something slightly different so ask her to guide you.
5. If you are granted permission to her vagina, the most sensitive part as I mentioned above is the first few inches inside. If a woman were lying on her back with a clock placed upright inside the lower part of her vagina there is a little spongy area would be just inside, on the upper wall, at 12 o’clock. It’s also often referred to as the G-spot. Some women like it stimulated, some don’t. So again, look and listen for her cues.
6. And if you are allowed to proceed further into penetrative sex using your penis, the two positions that are often the most pleasurable for women are her on top, the CAT position and with her on her stomach from behind. Again, these will vary from woman to woman. You shouldn’t come off like you are some kind of over-caffeinated acrobat with an attention focus problems – flipping and flopping from position to position. Slow and steady wins the race my little tortoises. Wherever possible, let her set the pace.
7. Once you are in a long-term established relationship – the important thing is to create space for her to pursue her own needs and desires. It’s no joke that some women get turned on when a man does housework – the truth is the more you can take off her plate in terms of housework and childcare, the more space she will have for fantasy and desire to grow. And for the love of all that is holy – please don’t expect sex every day. I know there are a few unicorns out there who will debate me on this, but the vast majority of us in long term relationships are really focused on quality, not quantity.
