My earliest memory of flirting was when I was in kindergarten. I spotted Sean from across the room. He had shiny, wet brown eyes and he was wearing the same kind of jeans as me. So I wandered over and made sure I was sitting beside him for story time. As the teacher began reading from a book, I whispered to him, “We’re wearing the same kind of jeans.” It was at this moment that my teacher gave me an eagle eye and exclaimed, “Ms. Loyst – stop flirting with the boys!” I was mortified.
Perhaps as a result of that early attempt, for most of my single life I was a bit in the dark when it came to flirting.
Here’s an embarrassing story. When I was in my twenties I was in Manhattan doing an interview with a bratty, British photographer. After the interview was done, he invited himself to have a drink with me in my hotel after. He was so rude to me during the interview, I just thought he just wanted to discuss more work stuff.
I met him at the hotel bar, we had a few drinks and talked about work and still didn’t clue in when he said, “Hey I would love to see what the rooms look like in this hotel.” In fact it wasn’t until we were in my hotel room and he tried to kiss me and I was like, “Whoa dude,” that I realized this guy was into me. In retrospect, this could have been a terrible situation. As it was, he just slipped out with his invisible tail between his legs and I was left to contemplate how clueless I was to picking up on his signs of flirting. Or how crappy he was at doing it.
The interesting thing about flirting is that it’s not just a clumsy human thing – in fact all mammals and most animals (including birds, fish, even fruit flies) engage in some kind of calculated and complex plot to attract an object of their desire. But we humans don’t just flirt to get someone into our beds – we flirt to pass the time, to make people feel good about themselves, to see if we still “got it”. And it’s not just beneficial to us socially – research suggests that those who flirt regularly are walking around with higher white blood cell counts, which suggests they’re actually healthier. Conversely, the white blood cells of lonely people are less suited to fighting off infection.
When it comes to flirting for romantic purposes, research shows that if you can do it and do it well, it can trump physical appearance. In other words, it’s not the most conventionally attractive people who get approached, but the ones who signal their availability and confidence through basic flirting techniques What are some of those techniques you ask? Here you go:
BE CLEVER
As far as this woman is concerned – this is the SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT THING when it comes to flirting. I have fallen in love with someone (sight unseen) because of his witty online banter. I was dabbling in online dating, and the guy had only shown me a slightly arty/obscure photo of himself. But he had carefully read my profile and was asking the most interesting questions like: if you had a dinner party and could invite anyone living or dead, who would be there? And: if you died tomorrow, what’s the one thing you’d be worried about people finding? His questions inspired me to ask questions and his answers were equally as interesting. In fact in this classic experiment that psychologist Arthur Aron did he found that there are a series of questions you can ask to make anyone fall in love with you. So you can try those out too.
But if you aren’t looking for love or you just want to do this on your own: how do you know if you’re clever? You are witty, observant, curious and confident without being cocky. You have the uncanny ability to read the desired tone of different situations – in other words you can go from playful poking someone with words to sexily poking someone with other things and you know the right time and place for each. You also know when to get serious. In other words, you have great social intelligence. Start honing this skill now. It will take you far in many situations, my friend.
USE YOUR EYES
One flirting expert I know believes that EYE CONTACT is the single most effective flirting technique. I’m not sure I 100% agree but I will say if the person you are trying to flirt with also finds you attractive – this should definitely be part of your repertoire. (But if they don’t, this can come off as a little weird).
Anyways, let’s say you’re at a restaurant or bar or the bus and you see someone you find attractive – here’s what you do: Look at them and then try to hold their gaze for two to three seconds. (That may not sound like long, but if you time it, it will seem like an eternity; nonromantic glances last only 1.18 seconds on average). This is especially important once you’re actually talking with someone. Take a moment and gaze deep into their eyes. This makes the other person feel like you’re really listening and being attentive (which I hope you are genuinely doing). Listen, everyone wants to feel like the person they are getting to know only has eyes for them. So show them that’s true.
DON’T FORGET ABOUT TOUCH
Touch is a language that we are hardwired for. New parents are told to touch their infants in order to help them bond and grow. And yet, we are living in touch-phobic times. How many times have you accidentally brushed a stranger and been suddenly full of apologies?
It’s important to remember that a well-timed (non creepy) touch can do all kinds of magical things. Studies have shown that people will give a bigger tip to a waitress who has touched them. In another study, strangers who were touched lightly on the arm were more likely to help an experimenter pick up things they had dropped. There was even a study amongst NBA players that revealed that the more on-court touching there was early in the season, the more successful teams and individuals were by season’s end.
Why does touch hold such power? Levels of oxytocin – a powerful bonding hormone – go up while levels of the stress hormone cortisol go down. This means we end up feeling more connected to someone through touch.
*A few small caveats: studies have found men easily misinterpreted a light nonsexual touch on the arm as a show of sexual interest. And also, don’t ever be this guy.
LEARN BODY LANGUAGE
We mimic the actions of people we’re attracted to. So if you want to gauge whether someone’s attracted to you, check your watch—then see if they check theirs. Or scratch your arm, then see if they scratch theirs. Or cross your legs, and see if they cross theirs. If they are mimicking some of your behaviours it usually means they’re subconsciously trying to get in sync with you, which is a good sign. This doesn’t mean that you will suddenly be involved with a monkey-see-monkey-do kind of scenario. In fact, I’ve also heard that some people like to lean back in order to see how far you might lean in – so that’s a subtle, little clever twist on this. Speaking of subtle…
USE THE ART OF SUBTLETY
Most men and women agree that pickup lines are tacky at best, crass at worst. Same goes for penis shots.
Most normal people I know want something a bit more sophisticated and subtle. In other words, don’t make it seem like you’re flirting. I remember one guy contacted me on social media out of nowhere to ask “Do you think my beard makes me look kingly?” Which opened me up to say, “Hmmm….I think you look a bit like a queen”. To which he replied, “So do you like royalty?” And our funny, flirty banter went on from there.
This is particularly important for women…who often don’t want to make the first move. For the record I really think women need to start taking the initiative when it comes to dating. But if you still want to leave the first move in someone else’s court, at least provide a catalyst. For example, I was once an extra on a movie set and one of the actors kept looking over at me during the shoot. So I looked back and held his gaze when ever possible. When we wrapped, I purposely walked in his direction and smiled and gently brushed his arm as I was walking by. He took the bait and asked me some questions about what I thought of the movie and it was ON. I’ll leave the rest of that story for a future post.
